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Fucking an elf

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Help support our writers and keep our site ad-free. If I had known about you, Elf on the Fucking Shelf, you would have been right up there at the top of the list. But I was blissfully unaware of your felt trend sweeping the nation, as I waddled around gorging my face on lemon bars. Being out of the loop gives you a certain sense of liberty. It is the same liberty that I felt when we recently moved into an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood.
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The Elf on the Shelf is a seemingly innocent tradition, but so is decorating cookies with your children and we all know how that turns out. The book that accompanies the elf your family adopts makes no mention of your elf wreaking havoc on your plumbing by flushing marshmallows down the toilet or coating your kitchen with weirdly impossible to clean up flour, but it also doesn't mention that your Elf on the Shelf can get pregnant with just one Etsy purchase, and seriously, what are parents even doing? We're creating magic here, people! And sometimes magic looks like tiny, adorable plastic elves that appear overnight in the arms of your happy Elf on the Shelf.
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This story has no basis in reality. We just thought it would help us get into the holiday spirit. It seems to be working, too: We've been giving each other little "presents" for a week now!
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